On being alone.

Today I took Sam and Lucy to Kindergarten Orientation day at our local elementary school. It's hard to believe they will be starting school in the fall. And then, I will be left with one... count ONE child at home. I'm not exactly sure what I will do with myself. I mean, what do you do when there's only one kid to take to the grocery store? And miracle of all miracles, WHAT will I do if Henry still takes naps in the fall? Dare I believe it possible? Two hours in my house? All by myself?

Excuse me while I enjoy a moment of peaceful contemplation....

I love being at home by myself. It doesn't happen often. Because usually, when I'm alone, I'm out somewhere and the monkeys are at home with their Dad, or a babysitter, or whatever. (That's wrong. I don't think "whatever" is an appropriate word to apply to the care giving bestowed upon my children. But you get the point.)

On those rare occasions when I am at home, and the kids are somewhere else... oh how lovely it is. To read, to watch, to type, to eat whatever and wherever I want without sharing, without explaining, without justifying... it is wonderful. And yet, when I'm experiencing the solitude, I realize I never end up wanting it for very long. The quiet is disconcerting, the peace not so peaceful without my babies around. Because when they are not with me, they are somewhere else... and that means a small part of me is worrying. Though I may have complete confidence in whomever they are with, or wherever they are, the worry won't go away until they're home. Home where I can see them, feel them, touch their little faces and look into their bright little eyes.

With all the noise and the chaos and the irritation that accompanies my job - you'd think I would revel in the silence, bask in the peace and serenity of solitude. And I do. But it doesn't take long for me to miss them. I think it's like trying to sleep in my bed when my husband is out of town. The bed just feels big and empty. Just like my house when the kids aren't in it.

Something tells me I'm going to have get better at this. You know. When the kids go to college and stuff. But not yet.

For now, I'm content with the closeness.