In which I get a little Personal

Today, I felt sad. I held my baby, snuggled under my chin, as I walked the halls at church. I listened to her happy baby noises. I felt the familiar weight of her in my arms. She fit - just as babies are supposed to fit in the arms of their mothers.

She is mine, see?

There is great beauty in the mutual dependence that exists between mother and child, and something additionally tender when that child is still an infant and thus wholly and completely reliant on a mother's care.

Why was I sad, you might ask?

People ask if I'm done... if our family is complete as it is. Five is a good number, I always say. And it is. Five children fit in our car and in our bedrooms and in our budget. Five children fill my heart to the very brim. While also draining my patience and energy down to the very last drop. Another thrown into the mix? No. Five is good. Five is right.

And yet.

And yet.


As I watch my baby grow and move farther and farther away from babyhood, I mourn the thought that this season of my life, so full of tiny, dependent beings is coming to a close. No more babies. Oh, how the thought tugs at my mother heart. It makes me want to freeze my baby right where she is, the snuggled head under my chin and just savor the sweetness, the baby-ness that is so close to slipping away.

But there is another side to my melancholy. And this side is celebrating - rejoicing as we move further into parenting. Less maintenance, more talking. More to go and do with less tears, fewer tantrums. I love leaning across the counter talking to my kids - not about discipline or chores, but about life as I know it, as they perceive it. We can do that now, as they get older. This is right. This is good.

And yet.

And yet.


I still feel my insides tighten when I pass boxes of baby clothes to the next someone that needs them. I still melt when I see the downy head of a newborn, or hear the sound of a tiny baby cry. It is the bitterness wrapped in with the sweet of watching my children grow - knowing simply that they do.