It Isn't Personal

When Jordan was maybe four or five, I caught him in the bathtub, emptying two nearly full bottles of shampoo and conditioner into the water. I don't remember his reason. He thought it made a cool sound, or perhaps he wanted to fill the entire bathtub with bubbles.

Jordan's blunder was careless. For the next two weeks he had to "earn" enough money to buy a bottle of shampoo and a bottle of conditioner by taking out the trash, worth 25 cents per trip. It was careless, but it wasn't calculated. I'm nearly certain that Jordan was NOT thinking as he wasted away four dollars and some change, "I'm doing this to make my Mommy's life hard! And to waste all Daddy's hard earned money!"

That's the thing about young children. Sometimes, they makes messes and break things and spill things and make really stupid decisions simply because they are children and have the impulse control of, well, a child. And yet, so often as mothers we take their offenses personally. Have you ever caught yourself saying, "Are you TRYING to make my life more difficult? Do you LIKE seeing me clean up the same messes all day?!" We take it personally because we are the ones that deal with the consequences of whatever action set us off in the first place.

Just today, Sam couldn't find his swimsuit. So he dumped two baskets of clean, folded, laundry on the floor to find it. Clean laundry... on my dirty floor. Not cool. In that moment, I was sure that his was a calculated attack on my sanity. After all, I had been folding laundry all morning. And there is nothing in the world LESS fun than folding laundry. (Okay. Maybe some things, but it was a dramatic moment, so roll with it for now.) I took a deep breath, and choked the words, "Do you think I LIKE folding laundry all day?!" back down my throat, and called Sam over to the laundry basket, where we sat together and refolded all that was on the floor and talked about being respectful and thinking about what our actions mean to other people. It doesn't always happen so smoothly. But I'm making a better effort, as of late, to fight the urge to toss around blame placing sarcasm and remember that my children will only know how to be mature, responsible, reasonable children if I teach them to be so.

I think if our little offspring had the mental capacity and intellect to formulate a response to our "you do this on purpose" claims, it might go something like this:

"No, Mommy. I don't like to make your life hard. But sometimes I just get really excited and really curious about stuff, and I'm just not old enough to always think about the consequences. And sometimes, I'm trying really hard to be careful, but I haven't had these arms and legs near as long as you have, and I'm still trying to figure out how to make em work! So I drop things. I knock over my milk because my elbows are big and in the way, and I put my cup on the edge of the table because my arms are short and that is where I reach it best! I know it's your lipstick, but I didn't think I would ruin it, I just thought the color was pretty..."

It could go on and on.

I'm not saying we should laugh off these moments, and defer to the old adage, "kids will be kids." It is in these moments that we, as responsible parents, have to teach them, show them a better way, and help them understand the consequences of their actions.

But we can't take it personally. Because if there is anything that is generally universal, it's the undying affection that a young child has for his mother. They do not make us miserable, give us more work, or irritate our sensitivities on purpose. And when we do take it personally, and curse/cry/scream/yell and blame our children for ruining our morning/day/life, all our kids see is that we are unhappy and it is their fault. And that is a burden that no child should have to carry.